“It’s not fair!” complained Omicron Delta Alpha fraternity brother Jack Meeks. “What more can a guy ask for? Women go gaga over his blindy-can’t-see condition and Compass, his cutesy dog with the handle. Donovan’s so lucky he’s blind. All of these women flock to him!”
Donovan Mason, who’s legally blind, sort of agrees. “Let’s face it: Going blind sucks. And when there’s no cure, you sink into depression, wondering just how much you’re going to see today,” he said. “It’s only because of Compass that my life is way more tolerable. He guides me everywhere, and I mean everywhere …”
Compass confirms that he does navigate Mason safely around town. But, unbeknownst to the innocent canine, he also doubles as a wing-dog, helping his handler find his way into women’s hearts. “I do what? I’m not sure what you mean by ‘into women’s hearts’ (in dog paw air quotes). I just wag my tail, pant a bit and look adoringly into these gorgeous women’s faces who go awww,” woofed Compass, puzzled.
According to the agencies that train guide dogs, service dogs are not to be fed, talked to or touched while they have their harness on and are doing their job.
“Sssshhhh,” said Mason sheepishly with his finger on his mouth and a twinkle in his eye. “Service animals aren’t ‘technically’ (in human finger air quotes) supposed to be petted when they are on duty because they need to concentrate, but technically that doesn’t mean they can’t be used as a dating tool. I’ve trained Compass to lead me to them hot women and into their love nest! Women just love Compass and petting him, and that almost always leads to petting me in the bedroom! Keep this off the record, please!”
Indeed, Compass has helped Mason restore both his confidence and his independence to where they were prior to his vision loss — and sometimes beyond. “I can’t imagine life without Compass. I don’t recommend going blind, but an adorable guide dog makes it all worth it!” said Mason gratefully. “I get laid every day, and sometimes twice a day if I am feeling extra blind and he’s feeling extra cute. Women fall for … oh, excuse me … I gotta let Compass guide me across the street. I sense a beautiful girl on the other side.”