To celebrate making it to the new year, and because 2021 was a f**king letdown for everyone, the CDC says that when you celebrate your birthday this year, it is OK to skip your medication on your special day.
“Heck! Why not?! Come on, I mean if you’ve made it this far it means you have outwitted omicron, so you can ignore your physician’s lifesaving advice and, just this once, live a little on your birthday,” said a CDC spokesperson. “And if something inopportune happens to you like, say, death, just see it as a blessing in disguise ‘cause 2022 is probably going to suck again anyway.”
The CDC’s 508th new recommendation in the past year has left many trying to keep up with the surge of announcements. Only days earlier, the agency declared that people on meds can just think positive thoughts instead of taking medication, and hours before that they had said immunocompromised people just need to be cool and compromise — that is, “take one for the team.” Minutes before that they had said disabled people need to stop thinking of themselves as disabled because the only real disability is a bad attitude.
Deborah Matzner couldn’t be more excited about the CDC’s most recent announcement. “Instead of WebMD, I look to the CDC to give me sound advice to guide me through life,” said Matzner. “Last week they said it was OK to give my two-year-old sativa to calm her down, and this week I drove without my seatbelt because the CDC said it was safe to do so. I can’t wait to skip my much-needed seizure meds on my birthday this year!”
A White House Top Medical Advisor who spoke on condition of anonymity said there is no reason to doubt the CDC. “After all, the CDC is a federal government agency so, you know, that automatically spells ‘credibility,’” he said with air quotes. “Anytime they issue guidelines, you can rest assured of their validity, and like Nike says, ‘Just do it!’”
With the CDC’s quota for public health recommendations fulfilled for 2021, officials are already busy deciding which regulation they are going to release for 2022. “Let’s spin the wheel!” said a very important CDC official. “Looks like the needle has landed on … ‘CDC Recommends Using Saliva as Natural, Organic Hand Sanitizer.’”