Christmas celebrity Elf on the Shelf stunned children around the globe today by announcing a new and unexpected career shift. After five wildly successful years creepily monitoring kids’ behavior for Santa, Elf on the Shelf resigned from Santa’s Workshop to lend his intrusive personality to the Social Security Administration (SSA), the world’s most prestigious institution for professionals dedicated to invading others’ privacy. In his new position, the beloved seasonal tattletale will devote his time to the year-round surveillance of Supplemental Security Income (SSI) recipients, ensuring that they remain mired in the abject poverty they’ve come to know and love.
Says the Elf, “I loved working for the Big Guy, but this position presented such a unique and wonderful opportunity to touch the lives of the dis — I mean, differently abled. It’s going to be so rewarding to rat them out for earning a nickel, getting a birthday check from grandma, or breathing in the general direction of a job offer. And it’s perfect for my skill set … think of it as a lateral career move from serving the Big Guy to serving Big Brother.”
Given the North Pole’s notoriously meager health benefits and limited provider network, the Elf admitted that the promise of federal benefits made the transition to the SSA an easy decision. He added that he has begun the rigorous process of draining the Christmas spirit from his soul to prepare for a new life as a jaded government employee. “I’ve started watching the training modules and I already feel so inspired,” exclaimed the Elf. “I can’t wait to sharpen my skills in the area of client condescension!”
Tiny Tim, the neighborhood’s most celebrated SSI recipient, was less enthusiastic about the Elf’s new venture. “Jeez,” sighed an exasperated Tim. “I knew the guy was a narc, but this is next-level.”
Mensch on the Bench, the best-known colleague of Elf on the Shelf, warned local disabled people to hide their petty cash in a pillowcase, emphasizing that his nosy comrade will undoubtedly be watching their bank accounts, poised to destroy the slightest inkling of financial stability. “Dude doesn’t miss a trick,” mused the Mensch. “Those folks won’t be able to fart without getting reported to the SSA.”
One thing, however, is certain. For millions of SSI recipients, “he sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake” is not a festive song lyric, but instead a solemn reminder that they are always being watched by bureaucrats determined to cut off their benefits.
Despite the understandable anxiety, Frank Perkins of Friends with Benefits, a social club for SSI recipients, assured those panicking about the Elf’s new role that there is still cause for joy during this most wonderful time of the year. An optimistic Perkins eagerly reminded his brethren that the SSA’s generous four-dollar cost of living increase would allow for the purchase of one more box of pigs in a blanket at the club’s annual New Year’s Party. “Those hot dogs,” said a clearly emotional Perkins, “are the real reason for the season.”