BOULDER, Colo. — A local man was arrested and charged with multiple counts of involuntary manslaughter after standing up from his wheelchair in a public park, causing the heads of multiple onlookers to explode into a fine, gory, red mist worthy of a Korean horror movie.
“I’ve never seen such a sight before!” said one witness. “No, not the headless bodies. I meant the guy getting out of the wheelchair and walking. Why was he even in the chair in the first place if he can do that? Is he even disabled? Why would he want to cause so much confusion and pain? The horror! The horror!” the witness said as he broke down and wept.
Other witnesses to the heinous crime reported that the accused yelled, “I can’t walk that far without pain!” and, “I just wanted to feed some ducks!” amongst other blatant lies, as he was being led away by police officers.
He will be appearing in court on December 15, where he will be fireman-carried in by his lawyer to prevent more senseless violence from occurring.